What's Up Doc?

I went to my new doctor today. To say the least, it was very awkward and somewhat embarrassing. I went because I've been having weird pains all through my torso. It's like a massive pressure on my ribs and it seems to originate from my right side. I am guessing it's my gallbladder and from a poor diet. I've also been having quite a bit of back pain, but most of that I assume is from the weight I still need to lose from my pregnancy. See, most of that weight seemed to settle in my boob area and so I've had a ton of upper back pain. Anyway, I get to the office and it's kind of run down, but I was not put off by it. It actually looks more like an urgent care facility, but not as nice. Like, the chairs in the waiting room are only slightly better than padded metal folding chairs and the entire room would shake when the water fountain would turn on and off. When I signed in they had a ridiculous giant pen that was a gift from one of their many pharmaceutical reps. Also, there was no one there in front of me, but instead of taking the clipboard that I had just signed in on while I was standing at the window, the receptionist actually watched while I walked to my seat and then opened the window to read my name - only to call me right back up to the window so she could give me all my new patient paperwork. Ok, so paperwork's done and they call me back. I thought it was weird that they had the janitor there in the middle of the day, but I was still nervous about the whole new doctor thing and didn't pay him much mind. The exam room was so drab. There was no reading material so I intently studied the aged pictures of the human anatomy tacked to the wall. Soon there was a knock (I was happy for the quick entrance), but the janitor from the hall was who came in. He looked at me and said, "Hi, I'm Dr. Hoohoo." Ok, that's not his real name, but I'm not one to name names so for now he Hoohoo. I think my attempt to hide my surprise was not successful. I thought for a moment, "Is he joking?" but he wasn't. This was my new insurance chosen doctor. He was in jeans and a t-shirt and didn't even have a lab coat on. He was a middle-aged handsome man as well, which makes everything worse. I prefer an old doctor with a good sense of humor. Now, if you've read my first post you'll know what his first question was. "Now, tell me how to pronounce your last name?" I laughed, I always do when they ask, it's like giving them permission to laugh and there's no discomfort. Do you know what my doctor did then? He raised his hand in the air (like he was "raising the roof") and started singing, "HOOOO, HOOOO" like they yell in rap songs. Oh, yes he did. I felt my eyes bulge out and stopped myself from jumping up and running away. Not only do I prefer a practically elderly doctor, I prefer one dressed in professional attire. I am fully aware of the fact that the "clothes do NOT make the man," but it just makes me feel as though they dressed for something important when they take the time to put themselves together. I feel as though being a physician is something important so at least put on some khaki's and a button down. However, I cast all of those feelings aside cause I do not want to mess with contacting the insurance company to change docs so I am still giving him the benefit of the doubt. Now he starts going over my medical history. He stops when he gets to the date of my last pap smear and comments that I need to get another one done, but he didn't stop with just a reminder. He went on to say, "You don't need an appointment for that here, we understand that people have hectic lives so why don't you and the girls go out, have a few margaritas and have 'em drop you off on the way back...I'll hook you up then."
::::nervous laugh:::: "Ok"
So, on to the examination. Understand, I'm practically jumping out of my skin at this point. I go on to explain to him the problems I'd been experiencing. During my explanation he comes and stands beside me and, literally, starts massaging my shoulders. On the one hand I was like "what the crap is going on here?" but on the other hand I was like, "oh my god that is awesome." Humor me, I guess I need to get to a spa or something. He asked me if that made my back feel better, and after answering him honestly he jumped in the air, clapped his hands together, laughed and said,"Ok then, that'll be an extra fifty bucks!" What? He then turned all serious and was looking at me from the side when he stated, "You know, you ARE a heavy breasted woman." Now, I've been called a lot of things, but never that. I must have turned three shades of purple cause I was totally embarrassed. He explained that he was saying that because if I wanted a breast reduction he could "hook me up." At this point I was really starting to wonder if he actually was the janitor and was just pretending, but then he started with some real doctor questions about my gallbladder and went into a big dramatic explanation using grand gestures and poking me in places that made sense. After explaining a little more to him he ordered an ultrasound and some blood work. He thinks that along with my gallbladder that I may have hypothyroidism. AWESOME!!! If I have that then I can blame my weight on it and not just the fact that I spend hours and hours on end laying around on the floor playing with my 15 month old and snacking. I really don't think I have that, but I can dream right? And for all you who do have it, I'm sorry for sounding so insensitive. I never even considered that for any reason when I went in there. He was actually the one who brought it up. He said that my extreme fatigue would not be related to my gallbladder and the fact that I am having trouble losing this weight, even with sensible diet and losing a ton of hair are tale tell signs so we'll just have to wait and see. The rest of the appointment went pretty typically, but before I left he stopped me and said, " Don't forget to get in here for that pap." Thanks, Doc.