Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Someday

I got pregnant with my oldest when I was 20. I was in my junior year of college and had to drop out, move home and get a job. Chase (the donor) didn't want anything to do with me or the pregnancy. He was willing to give me the money to get an abortion, but I opted out, so to speak. I remember him asking me if I was "trying to ruin his life?" Yup, I guess that was some deep rooted goal I was trying to reach. If you look at his profile on a particular website today he mentions that he is his own hero because he has survived life thus far and he's done it "all by himself." Wow. Too bad he's never met his own son. Sam, my oldest, knows about Chase and is okay with things as they are. I have never, ever, ever said anything negative to Sam about Chase because I don't want to plant the seeds of resentment and anger in him. I simply told Sam that Chase and I agreed that I would do the better job of raising him because I was more mature and we decided together that that was how it should be since we could not be together. I know that's kind of confusing to a kid and Sam and I have had multiple conversations about it, but he seems okay and I never shut him down about it when he wants to talk. I usually tell him, too, that Nick (my husband), chose to be Sam's father. I have told Sam that Nick did not have to be his daddy everyday, but he WANTED to and LOVED Sam so much that he decided to be his daddy and my husband. Sam seems to be very receptive to that answer.

I'm just having kind of a BLAH day. I get in these moods from time to time and I always become resentful of Chase and I get angry that he actually believes that he has sacrificed and had to give up things because I got pregnant. When Sam turned 5 I finally took Chase to court for child support. I was so determined for so long that I did not need his help and that was actually the last thing I remember screaming at Chase when I told him I was pregnant. "I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP! I'LL RAISE THIS BABY ON MY OWN!!" I was so determined to NOT ask him for money or help in any way, but it got to the point that I just had to. Not only that, but I was developing a very deep hatred for Chase (which, believe it or not,I do not wish to have) because he had gotten off "scot free." Honestly, (yes, I am this naive) I always EXPECTED that he would one day have a change of heart and WANT to see his son. Isn't that just stupid? I saw Sam everyday and I knew how much I loved him and I just couldn't imagine there not being a part of Chase that wouldn't be driven to at least meet his own child. So, anyway, while Chase is feeling sorry for himself he actually got to finish college and get his Master's degree. I, on the other hand, have yet to get my Bachelor's degree. I have gone back to school since having Sam, but I've also had two more kids. Those two, of course, have nothing to do with Chase (lol)...I blame my husband for them! I am totally joking, we're both to blame! Anyway, the point is that his life did not stop and mine took a big time "pause." Which brings me to the actual point of today's post.

When, tell me, please, does that slippery "someday" come? All of you who have kids or have adult kids, please, I need some positive feedback on things. I'm afraid that my Mom kept telling herself, "someday I'll do that, finish that, get to that," but her someday never came. Does it come? I'm sure things change. I mean, things you want to do become different with age, but do you ever get your own life back? Am I being selfish?

2 comments:

Damama T said...

My second husband's response to my announcement that I was pregnant was, "So what are you going to do about it?" Turns out he didn't want any more kids. So after 4 months of hell trying to change his mind, I moved home and in the divorce decree he relinquished all rights to Bug. I'm so glad, too, because it allowed me to get closure on that relationship instead of having the scab ripped off every month when the check arrived or when/if he had decided he wanted to be a daddy.

Regarding Chase: YOu need to forgive him. period. YOu are only hurting yourself by harboring the hurt and pain and resentment. You are seriously hurting yourself by comparing your life with his. Ask yourself whether you'd go back and change things if you could? Do you basiclly like your life where you now? How different would it have been if you'd chosen another road?

I've done that "what if" thing, too. Only I gave up beauty pageant scholarships to get married. I never finished college, either, and sometimes that really bothers me. I look at the woman who was the winner when I was 1st runner up and see how her life has gone: County Judge, TV appearances, a book in the works. And it sometimes makes me resent my circumstances even more. But then my head clears, and the phone rings with a call from one of my kids, or hubby brings home a silly wildflower he plucked out of the crack in the pavement in the parking lot at work and I remember that this path is the one God chose for me.

One day you will get your life back. What you have to decide is what about it you really want "back" and start building toward that now. Find a hobby, read about everythign that interests you, take a morning class at the loal community college now and then, join a club (I'm currently looking for a writing club in the Houston area.) This step is important because if you haven't figured it out, when the day comes that you have lots of time on your hands, if you haven't planned you'll just be sitting around twiddling your thumbs and wondering where your life WENT.

OK - that's the end of this book. Hope something in here helped you. And if there's more you'd like to talk about email me, OK? Or ask here - either way.

XOXOXO Me.

Allie Bear said...

Part of being a mom is giving up so much of what you want to make others happy but something my husband taught me is that you have to take care of yourself. If you want to do something, do it. Someday will never come, you have to make it come.