Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Just some military jokes

I haven't posted in awhile and have generally been unmotivated to do so, so I thought I'd share some military humor with everyone. If there is any military lingo translation needed, just leave a comment and I shall decipher for you.

Best Comeback Ever

This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. This is a recount of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who's about to sponsor a boy scout troop visiting his military installation. (Note: While this has been presented as a "true story" for several years, it is, in fact, pure fiction. In short, this incident never happened).

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they ever touch a firearm."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Moms Know Best

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an Army recruiter's office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.

When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question: "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"


Officer VS NCO Observations

The Company Commander and the First Sergeant were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

The CO said, "I see millions of stars."

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

Rejected US Army Slogans

"Kill All That You Can Kill"

"Shower With Men"

"Knock Up Foreign Broads"

"All The Grits You Can Eat"

"Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"

"Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters"

"Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H"

"Cubicles Are For Wusses"

"Napalm Means Serious BBQ"

"Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!"

"Totally Beefcake and Proud of It"

"Beat Up Sailors"

"We Won't Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will"

"Kicking Nazi Tail Since 1942"

"Don''t Ask, Don''t Tell, Don''t Accessorize"

"Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"

"Play Doom? For Real!"

"Sure Beats Lurnin''''!"

"Because Terminators Are Real"


Voice Mail

Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, DC, and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of gray funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your ass off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.

The last one was my favorite. Just so no one gets mad at me, I need to clarify that I copy/pasted these jokes from www.about.com from their military humor section. I don't know if individuals submit the jokes or if Mr. Rod Powers (About's military journalist) acquires them somehow, but either way that is where I got them.


J said...

Those were freakin' hilarious! Thanks for the good giggle today. We (Hood Blogger Wives) should all meet up sometime. I bet we would have some good stories to share. (Plus? It would be great for me and Allie to meet some other wives that aren't trashy as hell.) And our kids could play, too! ( I promise they don't say the N word. :)) My Yahoo messenger name is on my profile, message me if you would like to get together sometime!

Allie Bear said...

Funny, funny, funny. I'll have to find this one I got in an email about returning to civilian life and post it. Non-military won't understand it though, I guess it can be an inside joke.

Damama T said...

LOL! They say that only he most mature individual can laugh at himself. And I know lots of great service men and women who would love these! Thanks for sharing.